Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Interview mark 2

I've got another interview in London on 5th May - eek! It's for another publishing job and this time, it really does involve editing and not being a glorified office monkey!

My only concern is that another job has just been advertised that I really would like to do. It's organising scientific conferences. It would be great for networking and I'd probably get to go to the conferences. I'm just worried that if I get the editing job (which I doubt anyway), I'll be missing out on something I really want to do. I'm still not 100% sure if I want to be in publishing.

I suppose I shouldn't worry about it at the moment. We'll see what happens first!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Art journalling and other goodies....

Tried my hand at art journalling for the first time tonight. I have to admit that I had not the first clue about how to go about it, but I am reasonably happy with the results. I am taking inspiration from Rhona Farrer's 21 day challenge. This time round there is only one prompt per week, which works better for me. This week's prompt is "habit".

My first thoughts regarding habits were all those good and bad little habits we all have. I decided to illustrate some of my own for my first entry. Part of the challenge is to take some of your bad habits and deal with them, either that or make a new good habit. My habit is going to be practising my dancing more. I'm also going to try to look after myself better in general.

I met up with my ex-colleagues today for my leaving lunch. It was nice to see them all outside work. On the way home, I nipped into Waterstones and used some of my vouchers to treat myself to a 3 for 2 deal. I got "Labyrinth", "Empress Orchid" and "Wild Swans". Plenty of reading for me then :o)

Other recent goodies have been a lovely altered coaster from Laura:

And a hand-made bag charm from Linda:

Both are utterly gorgeous - I only hope my creations are as good!

Monday, April 24, 2006


I'm feeling much better after my early morning rant. Went out this afternoon to meet Kat. We had a very-filling chinese buffet lunch, which after a week where we both gorged on cakes in Germany, was probably not the best idea for our waistlines :o) After that we visited the new craft shop in town. It's nice and has some lovely stuff. However, I get the feeling the owner is seeing what sells first (sensibly) as there was quite an eclectic mix of things. I treated myself to some cardstock, acrylic paints and thong to keep my stocks up.

I then came home and tidied my craft room. I cannot believe the junk I found in there. I had receipts and invoices going back to 2004! Well, they are all binned now. I also found quite a few things I had forgotten I had. Including this paper:

It's a K & Company paper and the teddies are embossed! EEK! I think every crafter/scrapbooker has something like that at home. An item where you look at it and go "why?!" Now, don't get me wrong, I did not buy this, I was gifted a sheet by a friend because she had ended up with two of them (heaven forbid). I should have known then that the friendship was doomed to failure ;o)

Anyhoo, what do I do with it? I have several ideas, none of them pleasant. I could cut out all the teddies and turn them into ATCs. Then I could share the horror of this paper with the world! I'm not that cruel though.

Suggestions on a postcard please......

Early morning ponderings.

Can't sleep tonight. I suppose that explains why I've been up and about since 4.30 this morning. Not normal for me at all.

I suppose I didn't expend enough energy for a full night's sleep yesterday. Not surprising really, as I spent the day moping around the flat. I hate days like that. Days where I wake up and just feel rotten, for no real reason I can think of. Days where I can't motivate myself to do anything, even getting dressed. Unfortunately, days like that seem to be part and parcel of my life.

I think it would be easier if I had some answers but all I have is questions. I've been clinically depressed on and off since I was 20, but nobody can tell me why! The closest answer I've had is that it might be genetic. Thanks a lot. So, basically I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life, live with it. It's so frustrating! I've got a great family and friends, my life isn't that bad but my brain won't let me be happy. Instead it wants to eat me up with worries/paranoia/self-loathing.

Things got better when I was on anti-depressants, but I couldn't face being on them long term. So, I came off them (at completely the wrong time, which is a whole drama in itself). Maybe not the best idea as I'm now miserable again. I just can't handle the thought of never being happy because I truly am, but only because some pill is telling me to feel that way.

I just wish I could move on from this. I want to be the teenage girl who headed off to university, proud of her achievements and comfortable in who she was. I don't want to be this sad creature who constantly criticises herself about things out of her control. I've not even been able to celebrate gaining my PhD (which somewhere inside I know is a great achievement). I just feel numb about the whole thing and glad it's all over. It feels like the opposite of not being able to grieve in a strange way.

I suppose my worries at the moment are jobs/money/friends. The job thing is getting nowhere, as I can't motivate myself to apply for anything. Not useful. It's all so slow as well. I want instant gratification, not waiting weeks to see if I have an interview or not. I'm just impatient. I've wasted a year and a half already in jobs I hated. I just want to move on with my life. Trouble is, I don't know where I want to move my career on to. I hate desks jobs but everything outside academia (and the dreaded industry) is a desk job. Maybe I can find a compromise.

As for money, no job = no money. See above.

Lastly, friends or rather the erratic nature of them. It's amazing how some people can be so nice and then just go "strange". Someone who I thought was a good friend seems to have decided she doesn't like me anymore. For what reasons, I don't know. Maybe I wasn't mad and zany enough. Maybe my crafts weren't good enough (pah). Who knows?! I'm fed up trying to work out what I did wrong. I still hope it's a misunderstanding and I hope things can be put right. Only time will tell I suppose.

So, yeah, a totally wallowing in self-pity type post from me. I'm sorry if you didn't want to read this but I had to get it out somehow. I know some people think that depression is just an excuse. All I can say is, walk a mile in my shoes and then criticise.

Friday, April 21, 2006

My epic German adventure!

I'm back! Did you all miss me?!

Germany was great - we saw loads of exciting places and ate loads of cake! I'll need to go on a diet now to get the extra pounds I've acquired off ;o)

We spent a few days in Berlin before moving on to Dresden. It was great to see Berlin but, I have to say, I didn't particularly like the city. It's got a strange feel to it and the people weren't particularly polite. We had a comedy run-in with a jumped up cloakroom attendant in the Pergammon Museum, who was just being a "stupid officious woman" as Graeme's mum put it (to her face, no less).

Here's the obligatory tourist photo of the Brandenburg Gate:

In Berlin's defense it did have the most fantastic chocolate shop on Unter den Linden. They had a whole range of chocolate with different percentages of cocoa in it, ranging from very milky to extremely dark. They also had sculptures of Berlin landmarks made out of chocolate. Here's the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church:

Anyhoo, we moved on to Dresden which I liked a lot more. It had real character to it and it must have been very affluent before the Second World War. It was a strange fusion of a place - there were beautiful candy coloured houses and round the next corner, horrid blocks of flats. The people there were a bit nicer too, although I continually felt I was being stared at. I'm not that odd looking surely!

On Easter Sunday, we went to a service in the Frauenkirche. The Frauenkirche was destroyed during the Allied bombing of Dresden, along with a large number of other beautiful buildings. It's now been completely rebuilt and it's phenomenally beautiful inside:

After exploring Dresden, we spent some time visiting places in the Saxony countryside. It was like a fairy-tale landscape of little villages tucked into valleys and fortresses up on hills. I loved the dense, tall forests too. They were so different to our British ones.

Well, now it's back to normality (and a huge pile of laundry). I have to admit that Easter seems to have passed me by. I didn't even buy any easter eggs for anyone! I'm so used to being at home for Easter, that I don't think I realised that I was going to be away.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go and check out the new craft shop near the flat. I need some more cardstock, so hopefully they'll have a decent enough range. If it's nice weather, I think Graeme and I will go to the Botanics as well.

Monday, April 10, 2006


You know, some people just can't help themselves. They go through life trampling over other people's feelings and then get annoyed when the other person dares to get upset. They accuse people of things that they are very often guilty of themselves and then expect people not to argue back. Yes, you are entitled to a view and to be upset, but so are other people!

I think some people just need to take a long hard look at themselves. They also need to be able to admit that they are not always right.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

My birthday boy!

Had a great day yesterday - it was Graeme's 25th Birthday :o) We got up nice and early and after opening of cards etc and drinking of Bucks Fizz (our celebration drink), we went out for breakfast. We went to Always Sunday on the Royal Mile and had a Full Scottish Breakfast. Was quite expenisive but worth every penny.

Then we went to the Hans Christian Anderson exhibition at the City Arts Centre. It was really good fun and loads of the kids activities were perfect for adults too. I had no idea that HC Anderson had used papercuts when telling his stories. There were some of them there, and they were exquisite. So detailed and fragile looking. He also kept a scrapbook type thing while he was travelling, where all the people he'd meet (usually pretty famous ones) would write something in it. We also went to the free photography exhibition that was on upstairs from the HC Anderson one. There were some fantastic ideas for photos, some of which I might steal at some point :o)

Last night, we went for dinner to La P'tite Folie, a wonderful french restaurant. The food was fantastic and we had a lovely time. It was great to sit and chat while someone else did the cooking - lol.

All in all, it was a lovely day. It was perfect, just relaxing and having fun with Graeme. Reminded me of how lucky I am, to have someone so wonderful.

Friday, April 07, 2006


Hmmm, Graeme went out ages ago to get us a Dominos Pizza. I hope he hasn't been mugged for it! I can't bear the thought of my texas BBQ being in the hands of some ned scumbag....


I am free of the civil service as of today! Thank goodness! Now, I can concentrate on getting work that I am qualified to do and finding somewhere that will give me a challenge.

Admittedly, the people I worked with were not awful people. In fact, most of the time we had a laugh and messed about. However, the job was dull central and I won't miss that!

They also gave me £25 worth of vouchers for Waterstones, which I fully intend on spending tomorrow :o)

I also managed to get another of my comments published on the BBC website. It was in response to Jack McConnell's speech in the US about how Scotland is reaching another enlightenment. Fair enough, he might have been bigging us up to the Americans, but it's total twaddle. Scotland does not have the job opportunities to support talented people, who have the potential to bring about this enlightenment. I know so many people, including myself, who are being forced to move because of lack of jobs and opportunities in Scotland.

It's all piffle, I say!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Not another blog?!

Yes, another blog. I promise that I will try to make this my home for as long as possible. I'm glad to be away from myscrapblog, as at least here I can mention other blogs. I can also write about more than just scrapbooking without worrying about getting banned for false advertising!

I want this blog to be the start of consolidation in my life. For too long, I have pigeon-holed myself into certain categories. I tried to keep my pagan beliefs in a seperate blog to my crafty pursuits. I also tried to minimise my expression of my own feelings, due to not wanting to bore anyone. However, they are all part of me and all of them compliment each other wonderfully.

The picture in my blog title is of the beach at Drumbuie (yes, Drumbuie not Drambuie). It was a little piece of heaven that I experienced in the Autumn last year. Truly beautiful and completely ours for an evening. It's amazing how being next to the sea arouses such feelings in me. The gentle crashing of the waves and the stillness of the surrounding beach seems to sing in my soul. I wonder if it's just the meeting of water and earth - I love waterfalls and rivers too. Combine it all with my Ophelia complex and it's all rather interesting. At least I think it is!