Monday, April 24, 2006

Early morning ponderings.

Can't sleep tonight. I suppose that explains why I've been up and about since 4.30 this morning. Not normal for me at all.

I suppose I didn't expend enough energy for a full night's sleep yesterday. Not surprising really, as I spent the day moping around the flat. I hate days like that. Days where I wake up and just feel rotten, for no real reason I can think of. Days where I can't motivate myself to do anything, even getting dressed. Unfortunately, days like that seem to be part and parcel of my life.

I think it would be easier if I had some answers but all I have is questions. I've been clinically depressed on and off since I was 20, but nobody can tell me why! The closest answer I've had is that it might be genetic. Thanks a lot. So, basically I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life, live with it. It's so frustrating! I've got a great family and friends, my life isn't that bad but my brain won't let me be happy. Instead it wants to eat me up with worries/paranoia/self-loathing.

Things got better when I was on anti-depressants, but I couldn't face being on them long term. So, I came off them (at completely the wrong time, which is a whole drama in itself). Maybe not the best idea as I'm now miserable again. I just can't handle the thought of never being happy because I truly am, but only because some pill is telling me to feel that way.

I just wish I could move on from this. I want to be the teenage girl who headed off to university, proud of her achievements and comfortable in who she was. I don't want to be this sad creature who constantly criticises herself about things out of her control. I've not even been able to celebrate gaining my PhD (which somewhere inside I know is a great achievement). I just feel numb about the whole thing and glad it's all over. It feels like the opposite of not being able to grieve in a strange way.

I suppose my worries at the moment are jobs/money/friends. The job thing is getting nowhere, as I can't motivate myself to apply for anything. Not useful. It's all so slow as well. I want instant gratification, not waiting weeks to see if I have an interview or not. I'm just impatient. I've wasted a year and a half already in jobs I hated. I just want to move on with my life. Trouble is, I don't know where I want to move my career on to. I hate desks jobs but everything outside academia (and the dreaded industry) is a desk job. Maybe I can find a compromise.

As for money, no job = no money. See above.

Lastly, friends or rather the erratic nature of them. It's amazing how some people can be so nice and then just go "strange". Someone who I thought was a good friend seems to have decided she doesn't like me anymore. For what reasons, I don't know. Maybe I wasn't mad and zany enough. Maybe my crafts weren't good enough (pah). Who knows?! I'm fed up trying to work out what I did wrong. I still hope it's a misunderstanding and I hope things can be put right. Only time will tell I suppose.

So, yeah, a totally wallowing in self-pity type post from me. I'm sorry if you didn't want to read this but I had to get it out somehow. I know some people think that depression is just an excuse. All I can say is, walk a mile in my shoes and then criticise.


Anonymous Joy said...

Just wanted to send you some ((((((((((hugs))))))))))).

2:10 pm  

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