Successes and struggles.

This week has been a bit of a mixed-bag really. We had cause for celebration tonight when Graeme came home. He’s been awarded a £2K a year payrise and a £500 bonus. I am so pleased for him – it’s obvious that his work values him and appreciates all the hard work he puts in. We celebrated with some lovely pink champagne and chocolates!

Unfortunately, it has amplified my already unhappy feelings about my current job. I spend everyday completely and utterly bored. It’s not that I don’t have work to do, I have plenty. I just have no interest in the job. I thought when I decided to take this job, that it would actually challenge me as a postgraduate scientist. Instead, I’ve found it to be little more than an experienced admin position. Everyday I sit there working through the excel spreadsheet mountain, I feel like I am wasting valuable hours of my life while my brain rots in my head.

I just feel up and down like a yo-yo all the time. Some days I can cope (mostly by shutting off inside) but most days I am screaming inside. I’m just fed up with the constant bombardment with boring tasks and the way I am made to feel like a little cog in a machine. Graeme wants me to go to the doctor about my depression because things are bad again – constant sore heads, tight chest, panic attacks. However, I’m a bit scared as I am not familiar with my doctor here. My Edinburgh doctor was a wonder – she was a great support and I knew that she understood I wasn’t trying to waste anyone’s time. I know I need help as my whole world view has become so terribly distorted by the last few years. I just don’t know that I believe anyone can help me find the answers.

Hmmm, I really do need to keep my diary again. All this personal venting and angst used to go in there and never bother anyone else.